Celebrity Cruise

As the flying ship floated lazily over the exotic lands, Moptop stared at a lighthouse atop an enormous cliff and couldn't shake the feeling that he'd once, perhaps in a former life, pushed Notop off the structure. The feeling intensified as they passed over a grid-like river. Hadn't he once gone swimming here?

Jweedy, acting as the tour guide, gestured to the snowcapped mountains and thick jungles below. "They call this the heaven valley, probably because it's so nice. A less likely, and possibly better, explanation is that this place is, in fact, a preview of what heaven will actually be like! From the lush forests to the white mountains . . . I've actually written a little song about it."

"Oh no," said Cajun Mother, rolling her eyes.

Wobin Rilliams zipped himself into a large banana peel and floated to the ceiling.

Solutions

"We don't have enough people!" cried Gloria. "We'll never be able to keep this salvaged alien machinery running!"

Moptop gazed out of the window overlooking the bustling downtown, then spun around, pounding his fist on the table.

"Bring me the hobos!" he shouted. "We shall put them to work!"

The Martyr

"I can tell that you are just lazy!" the woman sneered at Moptop. "You probably just sit here and do this all day! Worthless!"

Moptop felt that these accusations were overly harsh, considering he had, out of boredom while waiting in line, decided to try out the game set up in the middle of the grocery store.

The woman grabbed a baby and began chanting the most aggressive lullaby Moptop had ever heard.

"ROCK-A-BYE, SIGFRIED, ROCK-A-BYE!"

Corporate Tube

Moptop was in a great hurry to get out of the office complex. He had attempted to go out the back entrance, but he only got lost in the parking lot and was forced to return. Running through the winding halls lined with cubicles and abstract art, he stumbled up and down escalators until arriving at the tube.

The tube was just that--a long channel connecting the upper and lower floors of the building. The blue interior was soft and fleshy, but lined with small rungs that allowed the employees to climb up and down. Moptop was unaware of all these things, however, and attempted to slide in headfirst. He regrouped from the surprise of only traveling a few inches and began climbing up the rungs.

It was inexplicably difficult and tiring to pull himself up, and the lack of air inside the tube was suffocating. After about four feet of climbing, Moptop felt completely drained and attempted to turn around. Unfortunately, another employee was climbing up from behind, trapping Moptop. He fell, crashing to the tiled floor below.

Feeling his mouth, he discovered one of his front teeth was now missing.

"No!" he screamed. "Now I look like Stazzny!"

Pug Noir

The agent received the mission briefing through the machine in his case and blacked out the majority of the words before handing it to Moptop.

"Do you understand your instructions?" he asked, gruffly.

"I do," replied Moptop.

With this, Moptop pulled his gun from his coat and slipped into the house. He was on a "proofreading" assignment, which he assumed to be both a euphemism and, literally, the checking and correction of spelling and grammar on a document of some sort. The dog stared at him from the corner of the room as Moptop searched through a stack of papers on the counter. Moptop heard a sound and, without looking up, casually fired several shots into the wall. Insects scattered.

Dietrich arrived and informed Moptop that Hershel had written a string arrangement for the recording. Moptop nodded solemnly. A housekeeper emerged from one of the back rooms and Moptop fired more shots in her general direction, careful not to hit her but close enough to prove a point.

Glancing at the briefing again, Moptop noticed that he had read it wrong, or perhaps the letters had rearranged themselves. The mission was "dogsitting," not proofreading.

Lurve is a Battlefield

Endenash and Moptop raced to the top of the mountain. Moptop knew he couldn't afford to lose this race, for he was on the game show "Battle for Lurve." Pushing his body's effort to the absolute limit, he managed to reach the peak just before Endenash.

At the top of the mountain, there was a fancily-set table with two chairs. They took their seats and began to eat the hamburgers in front of them.

"Doesn't this strike you as a bit odd?" asked Moptop. Endenash did not respond, and Moptop felt betrayed. Various members of the Auto-yes hovered in the background for no apparent reason.

"The winner of the hamburger contest is Endenash!" the announcer declared.

Endenash pulled out a pack of cards from his coat and began to deal them.

"Oh. That's it. That does it," growled Moptop as he picked up his hand.

Phinal Phantasm IV

The party cautiously made their way across the boardwalk, wary of random encounters with monsters. The nearby sea was eerily still. On the horizon, Moptop could see the outline of a dark figure, and, upon the party's approach, he realized it was the Vicar, the boss of this level. As the man smiled menacingly, Moptop readied his chain. As they inched forward, Moptop noticed a tip jar at the Vicar's feet, alongside a sign that read "atonement."

"What is this?" queried Moptop. "Is this some sort of . . . penitence challenge?"

The Vicar suddenly became much more friendly, and fished out a couple coins from the tip jar. "Yes!" he replied cheerily, tossing the spare change to Moptop.

"Oh. Cool. Thanks."

Once they took another turn on the boardwalk, the Vicar appeared again.

"Another moral lesson?" asked Moptop.

"Yes!" the Vicar shouted. "Prepare to feel my wrath!" With this, the Vicar leaped at the party, cracking his whip and, oddly enough, throwing snakes.

Moptop screamed and charged at the villain, swinging his chain madly. His attack failed to reach its intended target, however, so Moptop decided it would be best to bypass this nonsense and keep running.

Along with the other surviving party members, Moptop reached the house and entered. Everyone was hit by a flashback of the professor who once lived here--the man who discovered the source of the extraplanar madness.

"Watch out for my uncle," Mearle whispered. "He might still be around."

Moptop had another flashback, which revealed that her uncle had died attempting to exit the house through a window. He thought it best to keep this information to himself.

The group entered the bedroom and Moptop closed the door to the adjacent bathroom to hide the copious amount of blood on the floor. Just then, the portal in the room opened, and the living shadows swarmed into the room--servants of the Great Old Ones.

"This really would make a good RPG," thought Moptop as he prepared for battle.

Black Friday

Moptop was always somewhat surprised that, aside from some minor layout changes, the interior of every Tagret store looks eerily similar. In this particular building, however, he had gotten lost in a hallway somewhere behind the clothing department. Figuring that it probably led to the restrooms or, at worst, an emergency exit, Moptop continued down the corridor until he arrived at a large, steel door.

Opening it, he was surprised that it revealed a small, stone chamber, unlit except for a single bulb dangling from the ceiling. Huddled in the middle of the room were three old, ugly women dressed in black robes. The walls and floor were scratched with bizarre symbols. The women glanced up at Moptop.

Without any acknowledgment, the trembling Moptop turned around quietly, closed the door behind him, and found the nearest employee.

"Are you aware of your . . . uh . . . problem back there?"