Dark Climb of the Soul

Moptop followed Nole to the checkout of the grocery store and began unloading their items without paying much attention to what he was doing. However, he was somewhat startled when he realized that he had placed several bags of green plastic army men on the belt. "Hey, these are like the ones I had when I was a kid," he thought. "The ones that got stolen!" Indeed, it became apparent that they were the very same ones. Moptop was quite pleased.

"Oh, I forgot a cart," Nole said to Moptop. "It's over in the produce section. Go grab it for me."

Moptop soon found the cart and began to return it, but he found that it had been commandeered by an elderly woman and a young girl, who appeared to be her granddaughter.

"Excuse me," Moptop said. "I left some things in this cart."

"It's ours now!" the girl exclaimed.

Moptop glared at both of them and left the store.

When Moptop returned to the parking lot, he found the girl alone with the cart, which was now full of fruit.

"What happened to your grandmother?" asked Moptop.

"I need to get up there," the girl replied, pointing to a house near the top of a distant hill. The house was completely dark, surrounded by a thick forest, and its silhouette was only visible courtesy of the full and intensely bright moon.

"Well, you shouldn't be going alone at this time of night. Here, I'll. . . ."

When he turned to face the girl, she had disappeared. With an exasperated sigh, Moptop began to push the cart.

The only viable path to the house led to a steep, dangerous ridge, which was covered with fallen trees and thorn-filled bushes. Attempting to navigate a shopping cart through such terrain was completely unreasonable, but Moptop continued, though much of the fruit was falling out. He watched as a pineapple and bunch of grapes tumbled down the treacherous ridge and suddenly became extremely frightened. The moon's glow seemed to intensify, highlighting the many dangers of the ridge.

Moptop finally arrived at the house and knocked on the front door. He could somewhat see through the curtains that it was nicely-furnished and comfortable inside, lit by a fireplace. A stern, yet distinguished-looking man opened the door.

"What do you want?" he snapped.

"Excuse me, sir. Do you have a wife or granddaughter living here?"

The man scowled and slammed the door shut.

"Wait!" shouted Moptop, who was still out of breath from the climb. "I have the fruit!"

The man cracked the door open again, looked at Moptop and the cart, and then beckoned for him to enter.

The old woman and young girl were inside, as well as another man sitting on a couch. There was music playing in the background, and the man on the couch was pushing the buttons on a phone, each tone somewhat correlating to the melody of the song. It was very irritating.

"Sorry, sir. Most of the fruit fell out, but I had to climb up that ridge."

"No matter," said the man. "I thank you." The girl and grandmother smiled. "What is your name?"

"Moptop."

"I am Carl." With this, the man leaned close to Moptop, placing his hands near Moptop's mouth. The man suddenly heaved, gagging as though he had swallowed a great amount of blood.

"I know what happened to you!" the man gasped.

Moptop was shocked, but he felt all the pain from his body seem to melt away.

"I'm so sorry, my boy," Carl whispered. "I'll take it. Go and live your life."

Somewhat shaken, Moptop staggered out the door and returned to his car. He searched for a pen and paper to write down what had happened, but couldn't find any. He pulled into a store to quickly purchase writing materials before he forgot any of the details of the night's events.

He found a pen and a small memo pad, and, as he stood in the checkout line, feverishly scribbled down notes. The woman at the register was trying to sell the woman in front of Moptop on the store's exclusive club. "If you become a member, you'll receive this free gift," she droned, holding up a frilly paper heart.

Moptop continued writing, but looked up when he realized the checker had stopped talking. She was reading Moptop's notes: "supermarket . . . army men . . . girl . . . Carl, older African-American gent . . . strange power. . . ."

The woman stared blankly at Moptop.

"What?" he said, with contempt. "Did you know this pen costs seven dollars? That's ridiculous. You should be ashamed."

Thy Great Reward

The children scurried through the forest and into the mine, one clutching a treasure map and compass. Moptop recognized some of them from his old job, so he decided to follow, mainly for purposes of amusement. He soon deduced, from their excited chattering, that they were attempting to steal the gold of the ancient pirate lich. He followed them until they reached the chamber of the lich, where he was awaiting the youthful adventurers. "Now you must past the test!" the pirate rasped, as he waved his arms and conjured a jumbled mix of letters. "What is my name?"

Moptop vaguely remembered that this was from a book. If one could remember the being's name, he would be rewarded with treasure. Moptop racked his brain, trying to remember that passage from the book as he watched the children, one at a time, try to rearrange the letters. None had been successful.

"I've got it!" thought Moptop, as the image of the book's page appeared in his mind. It read, in large black letters, "My name is ROGE DOGER." Smirking, Moptop took his place in the line, just behind the last child.

Moptop looked over the child's shoulder and felt a rush of shock through his body when he saw that the lettered tiles read "bababababa." The child presented the tiles to the lich, who replied, "You are correct! My name is BA BA BA BA BA!"

With this, Moptop vanished from the mines, appearing in a backyard party held by his old job. He was relieved to see Notop there, but was soon under a barrage of questions and smalltalk from the annoyingly friendly children, and, even worse, their parents.

One such woman, though Moptop tried to talk privately with Notop, kept butting in on their conversation. "Did you get the point of that marketing exercise?" She asked them.

"Well," replied Notop, "I think I got more of the historical point of it all."

"It was simple," said Moptop, who was becoming more and more irritated at the woman. "If you're trying to market a fancy, Persian hotel, then you need to use evocative language to sell the 'exoticness' or whatever. I mean, it's semantics! Just say, 'come and be refreshed in the fertile crescent of luxury' or something. IT WAS SIMPLE!" Moptop was now pacing back and forth, raising his voice and gesturing violently.

"Oh my God!" the woman said, turning to Notop. "You know who he reminds me of? He's Greg, my mother!"

Moptop screamed.

Notop offered to give Moptop a ride home, which was fine until he turned around into the the backseat to find something, completely abandoning the wheel. Moptop took a couple seconds to realize this, and then grabbed the wheel to keep the car on the road. "Ah, good thinking," Notop said, still digging around in the back. "The old emergency side-grab."

"Whoa! What are you doing?" shouted Moptop. Moptop now had to squeeze partially into the driver's side of the car to reach the brake pedal. The road was now along a high cliff side. Moptop tried his best to maneuver the vehicle in this fashion, but the road took a sharp turn. As the car swerved, Notop's prized fishing lure began to fly out the window. Moptop attempted to grab it, but he flew out of the window as well.

He fell hundreds of feet, landing in the river below. He was amazed that he survived the fall, because the water was very shallow--it only went up to about his waist. The river and surrounding cliffs were beautiful, but Moptop was too angry about the circumstances leading to his arrival in the river to truly enjoy it. He located the fishing lure, pocketed it, and began walking through the water, which would inevitably lead back to Miskatonic.

After hours of wading, in which he saw some algae-covered pigs walking around and many happy tourist families camping on the riverbanks, he indeed arrived at Miskatonic and stormed through the main parking lot toward the commons building. He burst through the doors and found that some sort of small, formal dance was in progress. Notop was ballroom dancing with a girl while Mrs. Notop looked on in disapproval. Moptop approached and, with a glare, handed Notop the fishing lure.

"Oh, wow! Thanks!" said Notop. He took the lure and lovingly examined it, but it slipped out of his hand and shattered on the floor. Moptop prepared to strangle him.

"Oh, here. Why don't you cut in?" Notop said, thrusting the girl into Moptop's arms.

"Uh. Hi." said Moptop. He felt quite awkward and nervous about dancing with a nicely-dressed girl, especially considering he was still wet and covered in seaweed. "Listen, I'm not a very good dancer anyway, and I just got out of a river, so. . . ."

"Oh, come on. It's easy!" replied the girl. "Just follow me!"

They danced, Moptop still feeling uncomfortable but managing the steps with a small degree of competence. Soon, the string quartet concluded the gentle accompanying music and the couples came to their final steps. Moptop decided to properly introduce himself to the girl.

"So, I'm Moptop. . . ."

But before he could continue, the girl kissed him, getting bright lipstick all over his face. He could see Notop giving him an embarrassingly exaggerated thumbs-up from the corner of his eye.

Mountain Mansion Zone, Act Two

This was truly an awe-inspiring place. It was a house . . . or, rather, a mansion, which was built into the side of the mountain. The outer wall was thick glass, so one could easily see all of the rooms from outside. Moptop had found his way inside and was now exploring. Each floor of the house was like a step of a giant staircase, so he simply had to jump and climb the terraces to get to the next area. Most of the floors were grass, but most were decorated with antique furniture, such as grandfather clocks and bookshelves, which sat comfortably beside small waterfalls and pools.

However, as Moptop discovered, each floor was also guarded with various traps. He had to dodge occasional lasers, boulders, and sawblades, but kept climbing and exploring until he reached the top floor, which was a garden at the peak of the mountain. The garden had the appearance of an ancient ruin, with crumbling stone pillars and the like.

It was here that Moptop found the owner of the house, an incredibly old man, sitting in an overstuffed chair. The man stared at Moptop for a moment, then spoke.

"Ah, so you got through. Congratulations."

"Oh, hello, sir." Moptop said. "This place is incredible."

"It's not for sale, if that's what you're getting at." the old man snapped.

Where is Thy Sting?

Clad in a tattered, grey robe, Moptop wandered through the abandoned house. Nearly everything in the house was broken and covered in dust, and, aside from the occasional creak, all was quiet. So far, the only living thing in the building was a small child he had come across in one of the rooms, and he had found the meeting extremely disquieting.

It was nothing, however, compared to what he now encountered. A dead child with vacant eyes and a greyish pallor was running around in circles in one of the rooms. Disgusted and terrified, Moptop tried to push the child over--anything to get it away from him--but it simply ignored him and kept running. Moptop fled the room.

Arriving in another area of the house, he found the TV cameras, crew, the scantily-clad hostess of the show, and the director. It was time.

"Welcome," Moptop said, in a melodramatic moan, "To the House of Terror!"

All Aboard!

Moptop and Ellynnorr arrived in an extremely touristy town, which looked not unlike an idealized version of an Alpine village. The snow-capped buildings were quaint and the friendly passersby were all eager to tell them about the town's major attraction, the Edible Train. The pair was skeptical that such a thing could exist, but nevertheless decided to investigate.

Conveniently, the train was near a bar, which Ellynorr and Moptop entered and proceeded to order drinks. Moptop was already feeling somewhat horrified at the thought of eating a piece of a train that millions of tourists had also eaten off of, so he was especially disgusted when a nearby woman spat on the floor of the bar.

"Oh, that was great," he said, bitterly. "Very classy of you."

"Oh, I apologize!" replied the woman. "Here, let me buy you a drink!"

Before he could decline, the woman disappeared through the crowd and returned with a mostly-empty glass of beer.

"Uh, thanks."

Just then, the famed edible train pulled into the bar. It was enormous, even with the many bites that had been taken out of it, and appeared to be constructed out of gingerbread or something similar.

Ellynnorr and Moptop looked at each other.

"Well," she said, "Are you going to try it?"

Moptop leaned closer to the train, but couldn't bring himself to do it.

The Quintonian appeared out of the crowd and, casting an unenthusiastic glance at the train, slowly spoke. "I've done it before. It was different when I was a kid."

The Abduction of Brunk, Part II

Nole and Moptop were now trying to sneak through the neighborhood into which the thugs' getaway car had turned. Moptop's attempt at going through one of the labyrinthine houses had been disastrous, as he had been forced to find a ghostlike child who was playing hide-and-seek. They couldn't afford another delay such as that, so they did their best to slip behind bushes and fences, though the bright sun was not conducive to being stealthy.

Sure enough, Brunk spotted them from the back of the car and screamed, in an extremely high voice, "Helpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmeeeee!"

"Really? Why are we even trying to save this guy?" sighed Moptop.

The car sped off to lose the two attempted rescuers, but it was obvious that they were headed to the mansion at the top of the hill, which was surrounded by an extensive garden. Making it on foot would be difficult, at best.

Nole walked up the trail fairly quickly, but Moptop couldn't help but notice the strange wildlife in this garden. He saw a dizzying array of spiders, some large and colorful. He also noted a tiny blue lizard on the ground, which appeared to be dancing to unheard music.

"Did you see that?" he asked Nole.

"No," Nole replied, curtly.

The pair eventually arrived at the main lawn, where they saw the mastermind of this kidnapping plot--the Fat Man. He was flanked by his two fearsome bodyguards, Moonface and Nathor.

"Bring him out! Let him go!" demanded Moptop.

"No!" shouted the Fat Man. "He's mine!"

"Why do you want him?"

"It doesn't matter! You can't have him! Get 'em, men!"

The thugs lumbered toward them, but Nole pulled out a frying pan and smashed it over both of their heads. In fact, as if to drive home the point, he chased them around and did it repeatedly. Moptop and the Fat Man looked on in disbelief.

"Okay, fine." the Fat Man said. "You can have him back."

Brunk joined the party.

The Abduction of Brunk, Part I

Moptop, dressed in a suit, had an eerie feeling that he had been in this part of the city before. It was brightly lit, even during the daytime, and he was following Dietrich into an enormous, upscale hotel. He wasn't sure where Dietrich was going, but figured it would be best to stay close.

Sure enough, he had stayed here once before and gotten lost in the hallways, which were divided in the center. Some access points required walking on the ledge on the outside of the building. He followed Dietrich into the elevator, now especially determined to not accidentally get separated. The elevator inexplicably stopped on a floor, and the doors opened to reveal two men forcing another man into the elevator directly across. Moptop immediately knew that something was wrong, and was horrified when he realized that the kidnapped man was Brunk!

"Hey!" shouted Moptop, who pushed through the passengers on his elevator to get across to the one carrying Brunk. Unfortunately, he could not make it in time, with the doors shutting before he could possibly squeeze through. Instead, he stepped in the next elevator with the hope of cutting them off at the next floor.

While riding this elevator, Moptop was quite alarmed when one of the kidnappers burst through the wall, brandishing a guitar like a club. Moptop dodged the swings, but was unsure of how to keep defending himself. There was a potted plant in the corner of the elevator, but he couldn't reach it. However, in an even more alarming turn of events, Nole burst through the ceiling and knocked the thug out with another guitar. "I. . . ." Moptop attempted to thank him, but was mostly speechless. Nole joined the party.

The two took the elevator back down to the hotel lobby to continue the chase, and they were stopped by an attractive girl with dark hair and glasses. "Wait!" she cried. "I know where they're going!" She joined them in running out of the building, where they could see a black car driving off. The girl in glasses joined the party.

"Don't worry," Nole said, suddenly. "I've bought stock in this rescue. If we pull this off, we'll be rich!"

The Presby Picnic

Resigned to the fact that he wouldn't be a movie star like Dietrich, Moptop headed up to his Grandfather's place in the mountains. He didn't often have visitors, which made it all the more surprising when Moptop arrived and found a large array of picnic tables set up. What was even more shocking is that this picnic was apparently thrown by people in the choir of his old church.

Moptop sought out his old friend Krosbi, whom he was very glad to see. "I've been wondering what happened to you!"

"Well, we all thought you had vanished, too," replied Krosbi.

The conversation, unfortunately, was cut short when Moptop saw the Clemlets, still very young and extremely irritating, climbing all over his Grandfather's tractors. "Hey, get down from there!" he yelled. "God, you little punks are so fucking annoying!"

Everyone in the picnic stopped and stared at Moptop, horrified by this outburst. "What?" asked Moptop. "These kids have to learn that life ain't so easy. Better sooner than later. You might say it's . . . no picnic?" He chuckled at his own terrible joke, while everyone continued staring at him.

Just then, Moptop noticed a humanoid creature running through the trees. "Excuse me," he said to the Presbyterians, and jumped on one of the tractors. He engaged in a very low-speed chase with the wild man. He stopped when he got to a grove of trees that were adorned with cow skulls, where he realized the futility of this hunt. It would be dark soon, and he would be no match for the wild man then.

He headed back to his Grandfather's house, and was somewhat disturbed to find that most of the picnic-goers were inside, asleep.

Fashion and Fame

Moptop, The Quintonian, and The Creepster walked down the wasteland of Tejon Street, stepping over prostrate hobos in the street when necessary, and turned the corner to enter The Ritz. Usually, Moptop paid little heed to the posters and ads in the vestibule of the club, but one caught his eye today: "High-Fashion Extras Sought for Movie."

The Creepster saw it, as well, and suggested that Moptop look into it. Against his better judgment, Moptop called the number. A man answered the phone, identified himself as "Giovanni," and agreed to meet them there. Apparently, the role was simply wearing a new leather jacket on-screen.

The other two men entered the building proper, but Moptop stayed on the patio, keeping an eye out for Giovanni.

Strangely, the poster was now replaced by a glass display case that held the outfit in question. It was a bright red, form-fitting, woman's catsuit--hardly a simple leather jacket. Montano appeared, looked over Moptop's shoulder, and whispered, "I don't think you'll look good in that."

"I should say not!" replied Moptop, who stormed into the club.

He found Giovanni inside, sitting cross-legged in a corner and holding a hand-written cardboard sign that read, "Desperately seeking extra in movie."

"Well . . . maybe if you were a little more honest, people would actually wear your outfits!" Moptop said.

"YEAH," sneered The Creepster, who really had no idea what was going on.

Health

The heavy helmet was sweltering in the afternoon heat. Moptop pulled it off, wondering why everyone was wearing them for the baseball game. One of the girls on his team followed suit, saying, "I don't know why they had us wear these."

"Yeah," replied Moptop. "Maybe if we were playing hockey this would be justifiable, but this is just this newfangled 'stick ball' game."

The next morning, Moptop got into his car and headed downtown. He noticed a large number of people lining the streets, all motionless and staring at him. "Huh," thought Moptop. He rolled one of the windows down to get a closer look, and one of the people suddenly sprung to life, grabbing at his arm. "Whoa!" Moptop slammed on the accelerator to get away.

Arriving at the hospital, he put on his scrubs and made his way through the kitchen, where he observed a woman trying to get through, but being hounded by a security guard in a suit. She would walk a few steps, then be stopped by the man, who would ask, in slow and somewhat broken English, "Who . . . are you?"

"Here's my clearance. I'm supposed to be here!" She would answer, then take a few more steps, only to have the same exchange.

This continued for several minutes, until she'd finally had enough. After the man asked her yet again, she reached into one of the cabinets, pulling out a bag of pasta and smacking him in the face, screaming, "I am the spaghetti!"